Category Archive: Feelings

Making Room for Love–a Second Time Around

Falling in love and committing to a new marriage after losing a spouse took time. Was I willing to join my life with another after having been widowed? Did loving someone new mean I loved my first husband less? Was it in any way a betrayal of our love?

I wasn’t the only one who had the question. My friends also wondered how, when Jerry and I loved each other deeply, I could make room for another man in my life.

When I emailed a photo of Don to two of my close girlfriends, one wrote back a very short response. “Wow. Didn’t expect that. Wow.” I asked what she meant. She thought Don looked very much like an older Jerry. I didn’t see that resemblance myself, but I think my friend wondered if I was trying to replace Jerry.

Later she and I had another conversation where I tried to explain what it was like to love again. “It’s like I have two windows in my heart; Jerry is in one and now Don is in the other; it’s not a replacement, but rather an addition.” And what an addition, a gift from our good Father, he is!

On a recent trip to Israel together

Since Don is significantly older than I am (‘tho young in mind and body!) my friends also feared watching me go through go through widowhood again. It wasn’t easy the first time, for any of us. Not only did they love me; they loved my husband. And they watched me grieve, wept with me, let me go through the steps I needed to in order to heal. They didn’t want to see me in that kind of pain again.

But for me, the choice was to enjoy this second love for whatever time God gives us–or to walk away from it in order to protect my heart. I had asked God that if He had someone else for me, to bring that man to me. I didn’t want to be part of the dating game. While that works and is probably fun for some, it’s not where I wanted to spend my energy.

So God brought this gracious, loving man to me (and me to him) when Don and I met in a widow/ widower grief recovery group about two years after Jerry’s death. Neither of us attended the church where the group met; we came from homes twenty-seven miles apart…not in the same geographic location at all. While it took me awhile to commit, once I met Don there simply wasn’t anyone else for me. A God-thing, no doubt!

Seeking God’s guidance

God has blessed many wonderful women (and men) with the gift of being single after death or divorce. Their lives are full and complete as they follow Him in that new life, unless or until God brings someone else to them. But as more of my friends are widowed, I remember the adjustments needed both by my friends and myself in entering a new marriage. God may bring another special person along: making room for that someone is not only a process for the single person, but also for her family and friends. Honor that. Talk to them about your feelings, needs, desires; help them to know your new love so they can accept and begin to appreciate and love him (or her) too, as my friends have done.

And when feelings are hurt, as mine were when my friends didn’t understand, trust God. Talk about it, to God first. Ask Him for direction for yourself, and also for their openness. I realized that I’d rather have five good years with Don than none! (And we’re now in year eight, for which we both thank God.) And I needed to trust God and my friends with the rest.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Helen Keller

If you’ve lost a partner to death or divorce, how is God meeting your needs for comfort and companionship?

Giver of all Good Gifts

I went shopping today. I’m on a search for a new comforter set, but have time to find just the right thing. However, I did find a pretty, teal throw to place at the foot of the bed in our guest room. Don and I folded the afghan in thirds and laid it in place, then stepped back to admire how it brings out the turquoise and teal in the pillow shams and the stained glass window. The throw complements and completes the room.

Do you enjoy redecorating? Sometimes finding just the right pillow, throw, or picture makes a delightful change, refreshing and making a room feel new again. I love that feeling. Sometimes it’s just a matter of rearranging what we already have in a new way. Sometimes it’s reorganizing so what I need is easier to find.

As we ate our eggs florentine this morning, I looked out the window and watched the tall, golden grasses waving as they yielded to the power of the wind. Our lives are like that grass. We have a firm foundation in our God. When the wind blows we may bend; but by his grace we continue to stand.

We can be swayed in many ways. Every day, we choose which way we will bend. Will we trust God and allow His Spirit to form and shape us to His will, to allow Him to continue His work of perfecting, beautifying us? Will we yield to Him when the road is rough or try to make our own way out of trials? We might be swayed by the influence of the world, friends, and our own desires that run contrary to God’s good will. Will redecorating, losing weight, finding the right mate, or achieving a long-awaited goal be our primary focus? Or will we allow God to mold us, enjoying in His good gifts, trusting Him, delighting most of all, in Him as the ultimate Gift and Giver?

Today I am delighting in Him, and in the good gift of an inexpensive throw that completes a welcoming room for guests in our home.

Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.” James 1:17, NLT

What is delighting your heart today?

 

 

BROKEN DREAMS, FULFILLED

My dream

As a little girl, I dreamed of the day I would walk down the aisle in a white gown, a long lace veil and train following the billowing skirts of my Cinderella gown. Babies would follow and a tall, handsome man and I would share a home filled with laughter and love. A white picket fence would surround our house. It was a picture-perfect scenario.

But God led me another way. I served with an inner city ministry for ten years, then married for the first time at the age of thirty-six. Lots of conversations with my new husband centered around if, and when, we might try to have a child, or children. My husband was nine and a half years older than I. One concern was that our children, if we had any, would have significantly older parents than most of their peers. When our child was 20, we could be 58 and 68 respectively. We prayed, talked, I cried, we talked more … and determined that for us, bearing and raising children might not be the best option.

One Mother’s Day I cried through the whole church service. I cried throughout the afternoon and evening. My kind husband tried to comfort me, but my dream of being a mother was dying, and I grieved. Time healed the grief and my husband and I shared a lovely life together until his untimely death at the early age of 66. After his passing, I thought I might remain single; a few years later, however, God brought Don into my life. We fell in love and married.

         Mom and three of her four children

Today we celebrated another Mother’s Day with my sweet 95-year old mother. We are so blessed that this lovely, gracious woman is still with us, praying for us, making us laugh with her hearing loss that results in some pretty hilarious conversations.

And that dream of mine that died years ago? This week I received a beautiful note from a younger woman I led to Christ about a year ago. “You have been like a mother to me…” she wrote. As tears filled my eyes, I thought of the ways God has fulfilled my dream – in an out-of-the-box kind of way. I’ve had the privilege of discipling several women over the years, and now have two wonderful women whom I have the joy of loving and teaching and walking alongside in their relationship with Christ. My oldest brother asked today, “Carol, is Mother’s Day hard for you since you don’t have children?” I responded immediately. “No, because God has given me spiritual daughters.” Oh, I feel a twinge now and then … like when I chose not to take the “Mother’s Day mug” from church this morning because I am not a mother in the traditional sense. But those twinges don’t last long.

So, my point? God is not limited to one way of answering prayer. This is a hard day for many women – women who have never had a loving relationship with their mother; women who long to bear children and can’t, for a variety of reasons. Women who have carried a child who died in utero, in birth, or after birth. My heart goes out to each of you, for the grief you feel and the heartache that bubbles to the surface on this day.  But let’s also ask God to help us recognize His “out-of-the-box” handprint on our lives.

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV

Question: How have you seen God’s handprint on your life in unexpected ways?

“Can I Win?”

Don cleared the table while Mom and I discussed the difference between the average time to remarriage of a widower versus a widow. A few years ago, widowers remarried on average one year after their loss, while widows on average waited three years after the death of their husbands. Mom suggested that in part, the difference could be that a woman generally must wait to be asked, while a man can pursue. Makes sense. I turned to Don.

“Don, why do men remarry earlier than women? What do you think?”

He walked toward us, his face thoughtful. “Is this a question my answer can win?”

Mom and I broke into laughter. Actually, I think I chortled.

Wise man! Too often when we question someone, we have a preconceived notion of what the answer should be–one that will enhance our sense of security or affirmation. Do I want to hear the real answer, or is the question no one can “win” by answering honestly? (Particularly if that person is one who lives with us and is most touched by our responses and moods).

Don’s response was that men need communication; that even though they’re big and strong and in charge in a work environment, at home they need a woman’s nurture and love. Makes sense to me.

The comfort of a friend

I think another factor may be women’s friendships, which are often deeper, more feeling based, and therefore more nurturing than those men share. So when a woman becomes widowed, she has a stronger support group than men do.

So, while we continue building our relationships with our girlfriends, let’s also communicate in ways that invite, rather than repel, open conversation–where an honest response is always a winner. And … let’s encourage the men in our lives to invest in friendships, Bible studies, activities with their male friends as well.

Why do you think men tend to remarry sooner than women? Is this a nurture or nature thing?

 

 

 

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Truth … in Love

I was speaking with Mom on the phone. “We had a nice restful weekend, which we really needed.”

“Your next four weekends are all booked?” Her voice lifted at the end of her question, clearly expressing her concern with my lack of planning for rest times.

Communication goes both ways–my speaking, her hearing. Due to an infection, my voice is a bit shaky and sometimes words drop away into nothing. Mom has hearing challenges. Together, we have some mighty interesting, and funny, conversations!

How many times do we misunderstand, either the words or intent, of a conversation? This morning I received an email asking if the writer was being deliberately left out of a communique. I hastened to answer, “absolutely not!” and to explain why only certain individuals received that particular message. It’s so easy to misread others’ intentions. And when that happens, I can get irritated, annoyed, or I can respond with love and patience to clarify.

Don and I drove to the shopping center together the other day. He was going to look for birthday cards at CVS; I for groceries at Nob Hill. As we drove, I asked him a question. I must have been feeling insecure that day because I wanted assurance of his love.

“Yes, sure.”

“Hmmm, a more ringing endorsement than ‘yes, sure’ would be appreciated.”

“My mind’s just not in the same place as yours.”

Oh boy. I could have flipped out. I could have cried. I could have thought he wasn’t attracted to me that day–or ever (you know how our brains sometimes take a statement and make it an impasse …) I’ve done all these things in the past.

Instead, I asked, “What do you mean by that?” Then, sensing his frustration, I continued. “I’m not trying to put you on the spot, honey. I want to understand so my mind doesn’t make your comment something it’s not meant to be.”

Don was thoughtful. “Well, I’m thinking of driving and the heavy traffic. I’m hoping I can find meaningful greeting cards. I’m wondering when I’ll get the rest of the lawn mowed. I’m just not thinking romance right now. But I love you completely.”

Ha! “Got it. OK.”

Such a small example, but so easy to get insecure, uptight, or angry, rather than seeking to understand the other’s point of view! Clarifying helps us to speak the truth in love as we mature in Christ…and in our relationships.

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. Eph. 4:15

When’s the last time you experienced miscommunication, and how did you respond? How could you respond better?